Fact Check: Debunking Six of the most Common Arguments against Critical Race Theory
Has CRT gone too far?
Argument #1: “Critical race theory dishonors the Gods!”
This is a common refrain in public life among ambitious opponents of Critical Race Theory, and it’s becoming a major cause for concern among virtuous Romans.
It's no surprise that, having missed her shot at the Praertorship at 39, and even having avoided military service in the Great Eastern Campaigns, and thus probably blown her only chance in a generation to be called Imperator or Military Tribune, Marjorie Taylor Greene would turn to this hot button issue to kickstart her stalled procession among the offices of the cursus honorum.
Or perhaps this is simply to make us all forget her baseless accusations that Senator Bernie Sanders had f***ed one of the vestal virgins, and a thorough investigation by the censor and guardian of the Republic's morals had found no evidence for her charges.
Still, though, many of the optimate faction have remained receptive to Taylor-Greene's attacks on some of the more esoteric practices of Critical Race Theory. So we turned to the most qualified expert of all, our own Republic's Pontifex Maximus, to factcheck Taylor-Greene's claims:
Having closely examined the entrails of a slain bull, the spleen was horrifically enlarged, whilst even after plunging my hands in up to my elbows, I could find no trace of liver nor kidney – the Gods had made them vanish. There's no question that Taylor-Greene is hiding something here. Moreover, me and our fair city's three most trusted high priests – the Flamen Qurinalis, the Flamen Dialis, and the Flamen Martialis – alighted upon the four highest promontories of the seven hills of Rome, and, searching the sky for omens, spotted an Eagle catching a fish from a nearby brook, and then flying East with the creature in its mouth, stopping for neither rest nor to feed her young. If anything, the Gods welcome our addition of innovative new forms of veneration from the East, just like Critical Race Theory and the now-fashionable cult of Mithras.
Our interviewee's answer speaks for itself.
Argument #2: “On the Ides of June, I fell into the warm embrace of a well-earned midafternoon slumber, sluggish from a repast prepared by nubile slave-boys on my family's vast latifundia estate. While drifting off, Jupiter granted me a terrible vision of the future. The altars of the old Gods lay abandoned amidst the ruins of our forefathers' temples, the last sacrificial lambs slew by the virtuous keepers of the faith rotted unatttended, as brick by brick the very houses of the Gods themselves slowly crumbled from neglect. The faces of barbarian invaders were aglow with violent lust as they reeled from drink, their mouths slick with the grease of lavish feasts they had stolen from our most noble and eminent statesmen – the plaintive cries of their virtuous and chaste victims unheeded by the vultures that circled overhead, on the prowl for fresh prey from the sack of our fair capital city. And all the extent of this sad train of calamities first began its doleful course when Critical Race Theory corrupted our youth.”
Josh Hawley has had this exact same prophetic dream before; in fact this has happened every time populares in the Senate were on the brink of some major reform, such as when Senator Sanders proposed a tiny increase in the grain supply to alleviate price increases in the City of Rome, or that time when AOC was nearly elected Tribune of the People. He made, I shit you not, the exact same speech as this one, both times. You're being a real queenie, Josh.
Argument #3:
“As far back as Aristotle in The Politics, everyone has always known that there are certain men who are born natural slaves, and others who are born natural rulers. Critical Race Theory sets all of that divinely ordained order into turmoil. Soon, we will have Thracians, Gauls, and god forbid, Phoenecians intermixing with good Romans of noble birth, diluting the bloodlines and corrupting our people with their barbaric, foreign ways. We'll never see the end of it! Our very Republic and way of life will be at stake!”
Steve King is really aging himself on this one. I guess this is all par for the course for someone born in the baby boom after the last Punic War. You're still into Aristotle, dude? Like, really? Read some Lucretius, or even some of the Stoics' work! It's not my job to educate you!
And before you say, “Only Numidians listen to that kind of stuff, and it's all stolen from the Greeks, anyway,” – just don't, Steve. We're not in the mood.
Need we remind everyone that Thracians and Gauls, who King loves inciting his supporters against, have served honorably in Rome's legions for decades, now?
Not to mention the fact that Rome is a city literally built by immigrants and by cultural intermixing. It all started when the Romans combined together with the Sabines, brokered by our great founding fathers, like Romulus. But if Steve King was alive then, he would have said that Numa Pompilius, who literally gave Rome her sacred rites, wasn't Roman enough!
The arguments Steve King and his ilk make against Critical Race Theory are totally cringe and toxic, and will bring the Republic nothing but defeat and dishonor. How are we going to compete with Carthage with such backwards attitudes in our own army?
Argument #4: “It makes our citizens feel bad about themselves.”
I really don't know what you're on about. Scolding people at random in my city's forum makes me feel great about myself. Wait a minute... is that why nobody wants to hang out any–
Argument #5: Wait, so people seem pretty upset about it, but we don't even know what CRT is. Why teach it if we don't even know if it's bad or not? What even is Critical Race Theory? How do we find out?
It's a sacred mystery cult with its own secret rites based on nearly impossible-to-understand texts. And it has something to do with postmodern philosophy... and.... legal theory? I think you need to be initiated and advance through the various levels of the mysteries for years just to start to understand what it is. Kind of like Mithraism, but with way more academic heavy lifting.
Do you get paid to study its dusty texts for all those years? Well, no. Not literally paid with money. But you'll meet some really important people along the way, who might help you out. If they feel like it. You're sort of getting paid... in experience.
Argument #6: Critical Race Theory is interesting, but it doesn't really have any practical, real-world relevance. Shouldn't I be using my time to study the more traditional liberal arts, like rhetoric and grammar, to get ready to handle affairs of state as a competent Roman citizen? How does reading Kimberle Crenshaw and bell hooks teach me how to make an appeal before a magistrate, or conduct myself in battle, or properly manage an estate?
And now that we mention it, isn't Critical Race Theory totally against stuff like slavery, even though it's the bedrock of Rome's economy? It seems like these teachings conflict with the way that all of us earn money.
Nonsense. The two are totally compatible! Never forget that Rome is the only place in the entire world where someone from an enslaved, conquered people can be freed by his/her/their master, and climb their way to owning their own artisinal business, to their grandchild becoming a Tribune or even Pontifex. If someone is in such an abased condition as to still be enslaved, they probably just don't have enough education to do anything else. But if you study CRT, you will know how best to manage them, for their own good! And if they want something for free, like adequate food, shelter, and clothing, and instead of asking nicely they resort to terrorism like Spartacus, that's not critical theory – that's just acting entitled! So no, just because you learn Critical Race Theory doesn't mean you have to be so progressive that you get radicalized, like the Gracchi or the Bernie Bros. We have to be practical and work inside the system, instead of resorting to toxicity and violence.
And Critical Race Theory isn't practical? The average income of someone who has studied the mystery rites of Critical Race Theory is way higher than that of someone who hasn't. No landowner will let you manage his estate, no merchant will let you keep his books in order, if they find out you're an uneducated rube who hasn't studied subjects like CRT. And as for making appeals for your friends and clients, you can kiss that goodbye. No magistrate will even give you a hearing if you didn't learn at least the basics of CRT at a reputable liberal arts academy. Without this kind of learning, you simply won't be able to make it in today's creative economy, and you'll be a country bumpkin completely left behind by Romanization!
Argument #7: Okay I know this listicle is running over its prescribed length, but I'm confused about something. So you're saying that landowners won't give me a job to manage their affairs, and magistrates won't give me a hearing to make an appeal for my allies, if I don't know CRT. And you're saying that knowing CRT doesn't mean you'll try and change things, out in the real world. Doesn't this mean that this kind of so-called 'knowledge' is a completely arbitrary mark of social distinction with absolutely no bearing on practical affairs? Don't people who know about obscure humanities shit like this have higher incomes just because powerful people simply chose this at random to be the distinguishing factor, that they'll favor person A over person B, and it could just as easily be any other distinguishing factor, like where you grew up or what color socks you prefer? Why am I wasting my time studying this?
You know, your mother and I have been so disappointed in you. You've been handed everything. Everything. And you just have to wander around, asking stupid questions like this instead of taking life by the horns and bringing honor and commercial success to your family. Why don't you ask questions about how you make your own goddamn living instead of sponging off of other people, you little shit??
Fuck, you sound like Diogenes right now. Just go and live in a fucking... giant jar for all we care. It doesn't matter, right? Right?? It doesn't matter to you! Nothing matters to you! You're a disappointment! Get out of my sight!
Al gets autobiographical in the final section!